Help for separating parents

This is a worrying time for you as well as for your children. Here are some guidelines to help you help your children while you are facing separation or divorce.

What should I tell my children about their parents separating?

Four golden rules:

1. It is not their fault
Many children believe it is their fault you are splitting up. Tell them it is not their fault, and keep telling them. This is particularly important with younger children who live in a world that is part reality and part fantasy. They can easily believe something they have done may have caused one of their parents to leave or that they can bring you back together

2. Tell them what is happening
Relationship breakdown is hard on everyone in the family. The difference with children is they have no power over what is going on. They need to know what is happening in their family. You may feel you are protecting your child or children by keeping things from them. The opposite is true. Children are helped if you tell them what is happening. Tell them in a way they can easily understand. They do not need to know all the details but children do want basic information. Children need to know that both their parents love them and will continue to care for them.

3. Listen to your children
One of the greatest problems for children when their parents split up is accepting a situation and new arrangements they feel they have no say in. Children want to be consulted about decisions affecting them and they want to be listened to. However they do not want to have ultimate responsibility for decision making. Children understand fairness and the difference between giving input and making decisions. Some children may not want to be included in your decision making.

You may feel by talking to your child or children about these things that you will give them too much power. You can sit down and listen to them and hear what they want, while making it clear they cannot get everything they want. This makes them feel involved, important, and they will feel much better for it. Remember that when you were together as a family, you included your children in decision making about lots of things. They will expect you to include them now, even though it is difficult.

4. Don’t fight in front of them
Children are most distressed when the fight is about them. Fighting in front of the children, or saying hurtful things about the partner you are splitting up from, hurts them. When you put each other down you put your children down as well. Remember your conflict can by very damaging to your children.

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More tips for helping your children cope

If your child is visibly distressed you can help them by assuring them it's OK to cry. Crying is a healthy way of expressing emotion. Sometimes a child will want to talk as well as cry. At other times they may simply want to cry. Let them know it is OK to feel sad and say if you feel sad too.

Continuing conflict between separated parents is likely to damage children much more than the separation itself. You may want to get help from a counsellor or a friend to deal with your feelings.

Avoid asking the children to carry messages to your former partner, or to ask them to act as a spy or mediator.

Don’t ask intrusive questions about their other parent, or ask them to hide information.

Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep, or make your child feel bad about showing affection and concern for their other parent.

Discourage your children from taking sides between you and your former partner. It is really important for your children to have a relationship with both of you (as long as that is safe). Encourage contact between the children and their other parent and people who are important to them. Regular phone calls, letters or emails help children cope with your decision to separate.

Try to remember the good parts of the relationship with your former partner and to share them with your children.

Don't feel you have to overcompensate for the loss your children have suffered by giving them expensive presents or outings. The best thing you can give them is your time and yourself.

After your separation try to be consistent in your discipline of the children. Children need to know clearly what is expected of them, and feel more secure when reasonable limits are set.

Children need as much stability as possible and having to cope with too many changes at once can be very disturbing. A sudden change like moving house or school can often not be avoided and in these circumstances it is very important to allow extra time for yourself and the children to be together. Involve them in your plans as much as you can and point out the positive aspect of change.

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What is mediation?

Action for Children’s family mediation and children’s support services help parents who are separating to focus on their children’s needs when planning residence, contact, and so on.

Action for Children is the UK’s largest single provider of family mediation and children’s support services.

Any family with dependant children can use Action for Children’s family mediation and children’s support services. Many parents will get mediation free, because they will be eligible for Legal Services Commission funding. If you are not eligible for free mediation, you are asked to make a contribution to the cost.

As parents you know your children best. Mediation will help you plan how to work together on bringing up your children after you have separated. Working it out yourselves is better for your children and you. If you cannot agree and go to court, you will be told what to do by the court, which may not be what either of you want.

During mediation both parents are helped by a mediator to talk to each other and work out your future plans. Remember that as your children grow and lives change, you many need to alter the plans you made when you separated. Mediation will help you be flexible, and if you need further help at any time in the future, the mediator can assist.

Mediation is not a substitute for legal advice. You will be encouraged to seek legal advice on any agreement you reach, if you wish to do so. Mediation is not reconciliation. Mediators do not try and get you back together again. Mediators are there to help you work together as parents when you have stopped being partners. The mediator can also put you in touch with other services that may be able to help you.

Some of Action for Children’s family mediation and children’s support services have contact centres, where the parent who isn’t living with their child, can meet their children at a neutral venue. Find out more about mediation

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How do I find my nearest Action for Children family mediation service?

Click here to find your nearest Action for Children office for information and advice.

As well as mediation for separating parents, Action for Children also provides direct support services for children. We help children express their worries and wishes and learn to cope with the things they can’t change.

Action for Children children's information services are free and offer children information, such as books, CD-roms and access to Action for Children’s website www.itsnotyourfault.org, when their parents split up. Separating parents often don’t tell their children what is going on. Without information, children often worry that everything is their fault.

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Where can I find further help?

Organisations to help separating parents

Child contact
The National Association of Child Contact Centres at www.naccc.org.uk provides details of contact centres throughout the UK. Child contact centres are places where children of separated families can spend time with one or both parents and sometimes other family members, where there are no other viable options.

Children and Family Courts Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass)
Cafcass provides information for children and parents involved in family disputes. For information visit www.cafcass.gov.uk

Divorce
Visit www.divorceaid.co.uk for in-depth legal, financial, practical and emotional information and links to sources of support.

Legal advice
Community Legal Service Direct on 0845 345 4345 or www.clsdirect.org.uk has info on how to find solicitors and legal advice centres local to you. It can advise if you are eligible for legal aid.

Resolution formerly (The Solicitors Family Law Association) provides information on all aspects of divorce and separation and lists expert family law solicitors. Visit www.resolution.org.uk

Mediation
Contact National Family Mediation on 0117 9042825 who will tell you which of over 60 centres in England and Wales is closest to you, where you will be able to make an appointment. Their website is www.nfm.u-net.com.

For information about services in Scotland call Family Mediation Scotland on 0131 558 9898. Their website is www.familymediationscotland.org.uk

The UK College of Family Mediators is the professional body for all UK mediators. Visit www.ukcfm.co.uk/ for listing of mediation providers in your area.

Parenting
Call the Parentline Plus freephone 24 hour helpline on 0808 800 2222 or visit www.parentlineplus.org.uk for help and info on all aspects of parenting, including handling divorce and separation.

Families Need Fathers is a support and information organisation for fathers on 0870 7607496, helpline open 7pm-10pm. Or visit www.fnf.org.uk

Parent plans
Parent plans help you to think of all the things you will need to manage as parents, once you part. There is so much to sort out, you may not think of things that will be of great importance to your children.

Download one here: http://www.dfes.gov.uk/childrenandfamilies/downloads/ppeng.pdf

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Remember, it’s not your fault.

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